Just Telling Our Story

Finally...an hour to breathe

(Well, I wrote this last Tuesday but saved it as a draft with high hopes of being able to find and edit some pics to go with these. But of course, time has ticked away, and it's just not happening. I've been working in every spare moment again, so I'm falling behind in everything else. So...rather than keep this as a draft and never posting it, I'm going for it—pictures or not!)

*****

Things have been hectic lately.

Of course, things always seem hectic around here, but lately it has been ridiculously so. My workload finally picked up again (thank goodness), and the faucet is back on full blast. My kids are starting to complain about my frequent evenings and weekends working at the library or local book store, and I am feeling the effects of less sleep and less time (after the kids go to bed) to do the fun stuff—creative stuff—that keeps me sane. Anyway, I find myself with an hour or two free this afternoon, as I am in a holding pattern on a few projects and, frankly, can afford a short break. So I'm treating myself to a long-overdue blogging session.

So here are a few of the things keeping us crazy lately. (There is something personally satisfying about writing down little snapshots of our life as it happens. After all, next year—heck, even next month—this will be history (quite literally), and our life will look much different. Maybe this will make its way into a scrapbook some day.)

1. Soccer! I love soccer season. I really do. Both of our kids played this season, and Chad coached E's team to boot. So we were at the soccer fields four or five days a week for the last eight weeks or so. This was E's first season ever playing an organized sport (I don't count swim lessons), and our shy little girl really had a ball on the field! She's a great example of how sports can boost confidence in young kids, and I was so happy to see her running down the field and dribbling the ball, giggling as she kicked much of the time. She was simply joyful. And that made me joyful.
   
   I was reminded once again how good Chad is at being a coach. He is patient, fun and complimentary to the kids, and he always, always, always just plays to have fun. We never talk about scores with the kids in either baseball or soccer, and honestly, with the exception of G, they never ask. (G's a bit competitive!) And the kids just love him. The parents do, too. He always gets tons of compliments at the end of a season from parents who were relieved to have a coach that wasn't brutally hard on the kids or demanding and competitive. The kids have fun, the parents have fun, and Chad has fun. Can't go wrong there, right? Makes me proud to be his wife.
   
   Tonight is G's last night (trophies), and then we're done for a few weeks before basketball (for G) and swimming (for E) start. So farewell, soccer 2009. We'll be back next year!
2. Our lot! Well, after a couple of years of dreaming about our next home and many months of seriously looking for a new lot on which to build our next house, we finally found it. We closed on the lot at the end of September, and we are SOOOO looking forward to building! Unfortunately, that will not be for two or three more years, as we save some cash for the down payment for the house (just about went broke after putting the down payment on the lot). In the meantime, though, we still get to enjoy our property. It has about an acre and a half of woods (plus about 3.5 acres of grass) that need some attention, so we've been spending some time out there, trimming choking vines away from our big, beautiful trees and clearing paths through the woods so we can make our way to the (mostly dry) creek and enjoy all the state-park-like woods have to offer. The kids have absolutely loved being out there, playing with dirt and rocks and trying to climb trees. They get along well and get some fresh air in their blood. It's a wonderful thing. Still, there is a ton to do, so we'll be busy for the next couple of years. I am craving the solitude and silence living in the "country" will bring. (It's officially part of an eight-property subdivision, but it feels like the country!) Now, I just need to find the strength to be patient as we save, save, save. It's not going to be easy! But it will be worth it!
3. School. School always keeps us busy. There are field trips and events (like today's Pumpkin Run) and open houses and after-care programs and HOMEWORK and so on. Homework, we're finding, is ridiculous for a second grader. G spends so much time every night on his homework -- mostly either a reading assignment or math assignment PLUS spelling, vocab, reading for fun for 20 minutes, reading his AR book (over which he has a test each week), preparing for at least three (if not four) tests plus unannounced in-class quizzes and graded assignments each week. It's exhausting, even for me! We enrolled G in an after-care program a few weeks ago so I could get a few hours of my workday back, and I'm not convinced just yet that it's working for him. He loves having the time to play after school (something he didn't get when he came home to our house instead, because I need to work the rest of the afternoon), but he's not getting that one-on-one (me and G) time for his homework that he used to get at home. He does have an hour dedicated to homework at after-care, but in a setting with all of his friends, he doesn't do as well. He's too concerned about finishing first than he is about studying and understanding what he's reading. His grades are starting to show it. (He's still doing well...just not quite as well as before.) So we'll have to change something soon, probably. Not sure what the answer is. With school, after-care, dinner, sports, baths, evening reading and bedtime, there's really not time to have him do his homework AGAIN when he gets home from school every day. Too much for a 7-year-old, if you ask me.
   
   And, of course, our school seems to be a pro at scheduling days off for the kiddos. Next week, G has three days off - two for fall break and one for parent/teacher conferences. So of course my work schedule gets screwy, and I'm forced to work in awkward chunks of time again. Still, I'm thankful for a flexible work arrangement and understanding clients!
4. Animals. With five animals (two dogs, three cats) in the house, we expect there to be a vet visit or two on occasion. But we've been spending FAR too much time and money at the vet lately. Poor Molly (our 9-year-old Labrador retriever) has been going every month for weight checks and general wellness checks, due to arthritis, a thyroid condition and a special diet she's on to help her lose weight. Then last week, she got very sick. She scared me, actually. That was the first time I really thought we might lose her. And it's technically still not over yet. After lots of tests, the vet said there were no crystal-clear answers, but the most likely diagnosis was a bleeding ulcer. Worse, it could be the beginning of heart failure. She went on a rice-and-cottage-cheese diet, Pepcid and a medicine to stop the nausea sensation in her brain. She has a borderline enlarged heart, fluid on her lungs and fluid in her abdomen. Her heart is working much harder than it should be, and she's having trouble catching her breath, even though she does essentially no exercise. So her age and overweight body frame is doing a number on her. It's too bad, too, because just recently, she was doing incredibly well. She was getting her old spunk back, going with us for walks and running down the sidewalk to greet people—things she hadn't done in a LONG time. Now, she's lethargic, sad and energy-less. She's nauseated, plus she's in pain. It's likely her arthritis medicine that caused her bleeding ulcer, so she's off of it until at least Friday. Then we go back for a check-up and for them to decide if she needs more tests to see if they can find a definitive cause (whether or not it's absolutely heart failure). Breaks my heart to think that she's so sick. But she does seem to be doing better the last couple of days, so we are holding on to hope that she'll pull through just fine. (She could still use a prayer or two, though!)
   
   (UPDATE - Sunday, Oct. 18: We went to the vet on Friday for a check-up, and Molly is doing much better! She's back on some pain meds -- a different one, though -- and her symptoms have waned. So she's looking good! She got a great report from the vet, and we're so, so happy to have a healthy doggie back! Plus, she's lost more than 12 pounds since she started her weight medicine, so she only has five pounds to get to her goal weight! Good news for Miss Molly! Feeling much better about things now!)
   
   Maddie, our three- or four-year-old Lab mix, has some sort of issue, as well. I'll spare you the details of part of it, because they're not pleasant, but in a nutshell we think she has an allergy that is causing her to chew and lick herself nonstop. She has chewed between her paws enough to wear the webbing raw, actually. We need to get her back into the vet for another check on that. There has to be something more to it than what the doc said originally (again, I'll spare you).
   
   Lucy (our calico cat) has three small sores of some sort on her head and neck, too. So SHE needs to go in as well. But she and Maddie don't get along very well, so we'll have to take them on separate visits! I think we need to take stock in our little animal hospital/vet office.
5. Photographers' Workshop. I was lucky enough to get into Karen Russell's Online Photographers' Workshop, an nine- (10- if you count the week intermission to allow people to catch up) week class I have been drooling over for a long time. And yet, with everything else going on, I'm finally in it and I'm WAY behind. UGH!!!! I am learning a lot, though, and squeezing in the lessons where I can, so it's been well worth it. I hope to get the assignments done in a timely manner, but it's not looking good. I think I might have to skip a couple of the ones about concepts I'm very familiar with (aperture, shutter speed, perspective, etc.) and just start in the middle if I ever hope to get everything done! Makes me sad to get behind (I hate that!), but with work and everything else lately, it's been challenging. Still, it makes me happy to download and print my new lesson each day, and I have enjoyed catching up when I can. I just love her photography style. And even though I took my fair share of photography courses in college, there's still so much I have to learn. It's definitely a process, not an accomplishment, to learn to be a better photographer. I'm finding -- rediscovering -- that I really have a deep-rooted passion for photography, so it's thoroughly enjoyable...every minute I can soak in.
6. Friends & Family. Unfortunately, this is not taking as much time as I would LIKE for it to take lately. I feel like we are moving at 1000 miles per hour, and we don't have time to stop and breathe and get together (or even talk, for that matter) with friends or family as often as we'd like. There are a bunch of friends on my list whom we haven't seen in ages, and whom I miss. I want to get better about making time for friends this winter, when things hopefully slow down a little.

Well, that should do it for now. Sometime soon, I'll share a couple of new digital scrapbook pages. However, they've been few and far between. I did get a few pages done for my priest, who retired this month. Hope to find some time to share those.

More later...and hopefully in a more timely manner than the last several posts have been! (Hope to get another digital scrapbooking tutorial up, too. I've been thrilled to hear from a few friends who have been inspired to give digital scrapbooking a try. Want to make sure they get hooked while they're still thinking about it! :o) )

Where will we be...and when?

I consider myself a pretty passionate person. Once I get my mind set on something, I can't seem to quit thinking about it, especially if there is some sort of problem to solve. Perhaps sometimes I might even consider myself a little obsessive over certain issues.

Like our next house.

Ever since we had our second child, our three-bedroom, 1200-something-square-foot, basement-less house has been making me feel a bit claustrophobic. The fact that the two kids are of the opposite gender probably doesn't help. (After all, they don't really share toys or clothes or bedroom space.) And the fact that I work out of my home probably doesn't help, either. So, needless to say, we are up to the rooftop with stuff.

I have (attempted to) rid this house of clutter more times than I can count over the past nine years we've lived here, and yet somehow, we always seem to have too much. Too much kid clutter. Too much kitchen clutter. Too much work clutter. Too much scrapbook clutter (if there is such a thing). And yes, too much clutter from the adults, too. Add to the mix five animals and four people, and maybe you can sense my frustration with living space limitations.

So for the past year and a half, Chad and I have been dreaming about our next house. Probably 99 percent of the time, we have been dreaming about building. My dad is a builder, and I have always dreamed of living in a house he designed. (He can't build it, given that he lives 1,000 miles away.) But we have also been saying, for nearly two years, that we're planning to build in about two years. Two years flies by. No house. No land. Lots of frustration.

A couple of months ago, we thought we had the perfect piece of property in the bag. It was beautiful. We could easily picture our kids playing outside, our dream house perched on the hill, our perfect view out the living room window. We made an offer. It was a fair offer. More than fair in some ways. (To explain would take a while; I'll spare you.) We crossed our fingers. The developer said no. The asking price stood firm. Then he offered to give us some cash at closing, which the bank said was illegal. And the woman who would have been our neighbor was as cold as ice. We started to get a bad feeling about the property, so we walked away without making a counter offer.

The property sold just a couple of weeks later. I cried. That was the perfect property. That was supposed to be our homeland. I just knew it. Now it will be the perfect spot for someone else's home.

When I finally had made peace with that (sort of), I started looking online at existing homes, just a few houses at a time, when I felt like it. I'm not obsessed about buying an existing home. Far from it. But I couldn't help but have the feeling that the first property fell through for a reason. Maybe that's because there is another house out there for us that is just perfect. I had to look and see.

I found a house with a lot of promise online. It is an old house, but it has been completely restored. It's quite nice inside, especially given that the house is more than 80 years old. It has a front porch, fenced-in yard, big back deck, beautiful office (with doors!), fireplace, hardwood floors, living room and family room. Best of all, it has seven bedrooms. Yes, seven. The kids could have their own rooms. They could have a playroom. We could have a guest room. I could have a scrapbook room! And we'd have a bedroom to spare. This house promised tons more square feet within our price range than building. I had high hopes.

We went to visit the house last weekend, and my high hopes began to diminish. Most of the windows are painted shut. (I LOVE fresh air in the house.) The brick-floor basement had signs of recurrent standing water. The garage needed work. The deck needed work. The fence needed work. The gutters needed to be replaced. The roof would need to be replaced soon. And while the interior didn't need work now, if and when it would, it would likely be expensive.

There were red flags. It just wasn't the house for us.

So now we're back to square one. The biggest decision ahead of us is whether we want more house or more land. Our price range limits us, most likely, to a bigger yard and smaller house (more likely building) or a smaller yard and bigger house (more likely something already built). We really want both! I would love to have some more space for kids to play outside. G especially needs it. He needs to burn off energy, especially in the summertime. We also could really use more space just for living, though. More storage. A basement. Another room or two. And of course, there's always that dream of living in a house my dad designed.

So where will we be and when? That's the big question right now. I'd like to think we could have both, the perfect house and the perfect yard. But maybe that's too wishful. And maybe I'm wanting too much. Like one of my favorite quotations reminds me, "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have." I'm trying to remember that. We are pretty lucky to have a house we can afford right now. We're lucky to have a house, period. I sometimes feel selfish for wanting more. Then again, there's nothing wrong with moving on.

I'd just like to know when that might happen.

I am trying to remain patient...but I don't need this stress!

What a difference for our future a few weeks can make.

Chad and I have been planning on building a house for some time now, and while we are still on a two- to three-year plan for actually moving, we have been casually looking at properties (empty lots) for some time now. We had several in mind: First, we considered half-acre lots in Wexford Commons, a newer subdivision in Danville. Then we were drawn more and more to Woodfield on Washington, an older community in Danville that still has a few empty lots but also has another entire section set to open sometime in the future. We had considered (ever so briefly, for me) finding a random plot of land in the country, too, but for various reasons (lack of city water and lack of neighbors, for two), I just couldn't see myself living completely outside of a subdivision. So until a couple of weeks ago, we had decided to wait things out, to see if and when Woodfield opened its third section and to see if anything fell into our laps that we couldn't live without.

And that's exactly what happened.

On March 10, a Tuesday, two weeks ago today, Chad was driving home from work and drove past a sign announcing a couple of acres for sale. We drove out there that night to see it, and we knew almost instantly it was where we wanted to live for the rest of our lives. It has everything going for it: It's close to town, there will be neighbors when all is said and done, it is surrounded by residential property (so no industrial parks or dense residential neighborhoods/apartments/mobile home parks or worse will spring up in our potential back yard any time in the future), and it is secluded from the hustle-and-bustle of traffic and noise. It is bordered on one side by a creek, on two sides by trees and on the fourth side by a cornfield that has already been platted for a nice neighborhood. The developer raves about the deer and wildlife he sees out there regularly, and we could actually hear birds and — gasp! — silence in the middle of a weekend day. (At our current house, all we hear is the constant traffic of the nearby US highway.) It's beautiful. And it feels like home, even without a house on the property!

We dug a little deeper. The price turned out to be nearly twice what we had planned to spend, but we would be getting more than five times the amount of property (depending on how you look at it, another story for another day). And this subdivision doesn't require land owners to build within a year, like every other property we've considered before has. So we can sit on the property and pay it down long before we decide to build — perfect for our two- to three-year plan. Another benefit to that is not feeling like we have to rush along the way. We'll be able to take it easy and go one step at a time. Neither Chad nor I, after all, can afford to take on too much more stress right now.

Ah, stress. That's where we are now. We don't even officially have the property, and it's stressful.

Why? Only three days after seeing the land for the first time, we applied for a loan at a local bank. I guess I was naive in thinking we would have an answer quickly, much like we would if we were applying for a loan for a car. (And I think when we applied for the loan for this house that we didn't have to wait long, if at all, either.) Not so much. We just found out yesterday (a week and another business day after the application) that we were approved for the loan, but the extension in the amortization that we had been pulling for would not be approved for another week. Then today, more news of waiting. It has been delayed again. So we will wait yet another week. (Seems everyone and his brother is refinancing houses right now, and the mortgage department is swamped.)

We want to go about things the right way, so we are waiting to make an offer on the land until we know for sure we can afford it. (Logical, I suppose!) And while we could technically afford the loan as it was presented and approved for us, it means we would have close to nothing left to save toward building the house. Not good. I don't want to live in this house another 10 years! So as much as we really want that lot, we might have to take our chances and let it go until we can save enough to be able to afford the current loan as we were approved. I am still hopeful that we won't have to, but it will be almost two more weeks (UGH!) before we know for sure.

So we wait. I try to be patient with most things in life, but I'll tell you, it's stressful. To think we know where we want to live, (we even know what could be our next and final address!) and that we are this close (picture my thumb and pointer finger about a cm apart) to getting it — but that at any time, someone else might sweep it out from under our feet — is completely nerve-racking. And because this is a small town, and there aren't tons of lots available here, and someone I know and/or who reads this blog could very well be eyeing the same property, well, I need to not share too many more details about where it is or what it looks like. I'd really hate to lose it to someone I know! :o)  We have lots of pictures, though, and as soon as I'm confident it will be ours, I'll be sure to share! Until then, I'll pray hard for patience, and I'll have to accept that if it doesn't happen for us, God must have another plan. But boy, that's hard to remember in a time like this!

•••••

Our future house has been on our minds a lot, lately. And I use this blog as a journal of sorts for my own personal well-being — as well as for sharing info with our out-of-state relatives (hello, Dad, Anita, John, Colette, Seth and Sheryl - if you're reading this!) and friends (there are several of you), and in-state relatives and friends. So bear with me as I am likely to share more details about our house-building project over the coming years than you probably ever cared to hear!

Will our dream house ever become reality?

When I was little, I had lots of dreams for my future:

• I was going to be an astronaut...
• ...then a vet...
• ...then a pediatrician...
• ...then a journalist...
• ...working for a newspaper.
• I was going to drive a convertible as my everyday car.
• I was going to get married...
• ...have two kids (one boy and one girl)...
• ...and two pets (one cat and one dog)...
• and maybe some fish.
• I was going to be filthy rich. :o)
• I was going to have a big house...
• ...in Florida...
• ...on the coast...
• ...and it was going to be built by my dad.
• I was going to take my lunch breaks on the beach...
• ...with a good book and the Florida sunshine being my only company.

Some of these dreams came true, fortunately, either just as I had imagined them or in some distorted but perfectly acceptable form.

Some of these dreams never came true and never will. (I have abandoned any dreams of walking on the moon, for one.)

Very few of these dreams are still dreams for me. But I do hold on to just one of my childhood dreams: to live in a house my dad built. I have watched him put his heart and soul—his passion—into dreaming, drawing and constructing homes that are nothing short of masterpieces, and I have always wanted one of my own. Because he lives and builds in Colorado now—and he's not likely to want to move to Indiana for a few months to build my house—I'll settle for having him design my—now, our—house.

It's something I've been dreaming about for years, and for the last year (since last February, to be exact), it's something Chad and I have been dreaming about together. We bought a ton of house design books. We made lists of must-haves and wants and wouldn't-it-be-cool-to-haves. We have made countless comments to the effect of, "In our next house, we will definitely...." We—or rather, because of my obsessive and organization-freak personality, I—have worked the math over and over and over again, considering Chad's expected merit increases and an upcoming promotion, my workload expectations, debt pay-offs, various down payment possibilities, ever-changing interest rates, changes in expected square feet and all of those things along the way that we don't expect but are likely to encounter. We (window) shopped for lots on which we would build and picked out a couple we liked. We got disappointed when one of the lots sold. We started making some major financial adjustments, seriously focusing on paying off debts and saving cash for a down payment for the lot and for the house.

I guess you could say we had things pretty well planned.

And then yesterday, a dramatic change.

It would be fair to say I broke down. Chad would back me up on that and probably add his own two cents. :o) I'm not ashamed to say that. It's a sad fact of life that being a working mom is rough. And it has been weighing on my heart a lot lately.

Because I have obsessed over the math for the new house, I know we could get what we want in about a year, after we pay off our debts and have time to reach our goal for saving a down payment. (We don't want anything extravagant, but because we want to build a custom home, it is a little pricey and requires a fairly significant amount of cash-in-hand.) Our goal was to buy a lot this year and build at the beginning (maybe) of next. We could do it—if I wanted to commit to working a ton of hours every week for the foreseeable future in order to make it happen. This week, I was once again reminded that I do not, in fact, want to kill myself for my work—or for our dream house. 

I struggle with finding balance between work and home life. I will be the first to admit it. I don't question my decision to work, but I do question whether or not I am doing a good job at finding the right balance between work and family. It's something I have gone back and forth on since shortly after knowing I was pregnant with my first-born. I quit my then full-time job and found a part-time one in my field. I loved that job for many reasons but discovered there was more to my work than just a great schedule. I quit that job and went back to full-time for many reasons. That job was a good career change, but I was quickly reminded that the often-six-days-a-week job with a two-hours-a-day commute was no life for a mom. So I started freelancing. "Perfect!" I thought...until I started getting what I thought I wanted—lots of work—and discovered...again...that there is more to life than working.

So that's where I am today, back to Square One. I'm back to the age-old question of what, exactly, is the perfect balance? There's no easy answer. I love my work and I love to work. I have worked hard to develop a business from scratch and, to put modesty aside for a minute, think I should pat myself on the back for that. I don't want to say no to anyone (and won't to established clients...so don't worry, guys!) who offers me work. I love what I do and love having a job that is creative and flexible. I like knowing I am contributing to my family's financial well-being and know that to live in the house we dream about, my contributions will be just as important as Chad's.

BUT—and this is a BIG "but"—I want my sanity, too. I want more time to relax and enjoy my family. I want more time to be creative (for fun): to scrapbook, to journal my memories, to do digital scrapbook projects, to play with photography, to organize my massive photo archive, to get some of my favorite family photos on the walls of our home. I want more time to sleep. I want more time to keep up my house. I want more time to clean and de-clutter. I want more time to build some flexibility into my schedule so I don't panic when we have snow days (like tomorrow is likely to be). I want more time to have lunch at school with my first-grader once in a while and to pick up my preschooler early from school for visits to the park on nice days. I want to be more relaxed when it comes to my kids' behavior (a stressed mom is not a very patient one!). I want more time to go on dates with my husband. I want more time to just sit and talk with my husband...maybe even (gasp!) watch a movie with him.

Yes, I know that the people in my life are far and away more important than the things in my life. I have known that forever, yet I seem to often need these little reminders that I need to get things in check once in a while. I get lost in my work too easily, perhaps. I need to take notice when I'm getting too involved in my work to live my life. Unfortunately, the reminders often come in the form of pent-up frustrations and stress bursting from my seams in the form of a good cry. I always feel better after a good cry, and honestly, it's a welcome release now and then. But it's a bad sign. It's a sign things are getting close to being out of control.

My cry time yesterday was one of those reminders. I have been too busy lately. I know that. I have made my deadlines, but there have been times when it's been close and other times when I've had to sacrifice some serious family time to make it happen. That's no one's fault but my own. And I know there will always be those kinds of times. But I can't keep going at this speed. So I will regain control of my workload...even if it means we put building a new house on hold for a little while longer.

That breaks my heart; I won't lie. Chad's ready to just go house shopping for something bigger than our current house (wouldn't take much!) and less expensive than building, but I'm not so sure just yet. I still have a dream. And I'm not willing to give that up too quickly. Ideally, we'll move one more time in our lives—into a home in which we can grow old and entertain future grandchildren, and one we can pay off before retirement. I want my dad to be a part of that, somehow. So we'll put our dreams on hold for a while and continue to save, save, save. Who knows? Maybe we'll be able to pull it off sooner than we think. But we won't rush it. The crazy life isn't worth it. (Just ask Chad!)

.......................................................................................................

(I realize I have a pretty darn good work arrangement, and I know there are many moms out there who are working and struggling with the same kinds of things. I also know there are at-home moms who are just pulling their hair out, much like I would be in that situation. I simply share this as my own personal perspective, with no intention of making any of you moms out there—working outside the home or not—say something to the effect of, "Yeah, you think you have it bad...?" I feel your pain...just bear with me!)