Just Telling Our Story

The Mommy Wars

Dare I even go here?

I just heard something on Good Morning America that has me fired up. A mom in California posted a blog entry attacking Elizabeth Edwards for her choice to take her children on the road during her husband John Edwards' political campaign for president. She called her a "terrible mother," and told her, "Elizabeth, I DON'T LIKE the choices you have made! TAKE YOUR KIDS HOME!"

I love that Elizabeth Edwards spoke her mind and responded. She wasn't polished and reserved, like many politicians and their wives. She stood up for herself with a ferocious determination I truly respect. She said, "….you have no idea what the quality or amount of the time I spend with my children is….You don't get to say I am a terrible mother because you think you wouldn't make my choices in my situation…You don't get to judge me because you think you know exactly what you would do if you had my disease. I want to be really clear: you don't know. And if the sun always shines on you -- and I pray it does -- you will never know."

Why do some moms feel they have to attack other moms, passing off their own personal choices and opinions on what they believe to be the best (or only) way to mother as some written doctrine? And if one chooses a different path, she risks being shunned or disgraced in some small world of other mothers with similar opinions.

I have been a mother for more than five years now, and I can't tell you how many times this debate has reared its head in my own life. I have definitely felt criticism -- from my own friends, sometimes -- who have strong opinions about staying home with their kids vs. working "outside of the home."

I understand the passion behind motherhood, and I understand that many women feel that there is no other duty in this life that's more important than being a mother. And I agree, in some regard. But why do some moms feel they need to attack other moms and pass judgment upon them when they choose to work?

Mothers who are passionate about loving their children, one would think, would be loving, caring and understanding individuals. But for some reason, when it comes to other mothers and the choices they make, the gloves come off, and it's all-out war.

I choose to work because I love what I do. It's not my nature to stay at home. Frankly, I'd be terrible at it. I think stay-at-home moms have the absolute hardest job on the planet. I believe that 100%. I have a very high respect for stay-at-home moms. Very high. They're more patient with and understanding of kids than I probably am. I know that SAHMs are not sitting around baking cookies, coloring with their kids all day, taking naps and watching soap operas. I know that's not how it is, because I have two kids of my own, with whom I stay home two days out of the workweek. We're lucky to do one fun thing the entire week. I spend more time playing referee, trying to keep them from killing each other, changing diapers, picking up toys and 100 other things that wouldn't have been on the list of things I thought I'd do with my kids if I had the chance to be home all day. I also see several of my friends who are lucky enough to be able to stay at home with their kids, and I know it's stressful. It's work. Even though they absolutely love their kids and have the biggest hearts in the world, it's work to stay at home.

Dr. Phil, Oprah, Good Morning America, the Today Show and countless other television programs, magazines, books, newspapers and more have covered this topic. There are Web sites and blogs devoted to it. I remember an episode of Dr. Phil a couple of years ago (and no, I don't sit home watching Dr. Phil all day, either) when they had the audience split down the middle -- working moms on one side, and stay-at-home moms on the other. You would have thought it was two feuding countries in the same room. These women were vicious to each other.

Why does it matter? Why does it matter to anyone else if I choose to work? It's making me happy, and if I'm happy, I'm much more likely to be a good mom. Staying home with my kids, personally, would make me miserable. Not because I don't enjoy spending time with them -- I do. I love them with all of my heart, and there are no two people on this planet who make me happier. And I am constantly trying to figure out how to achieve the best balance between work life and family life. But I wouldn't be happy as a full-time mom. I know that, and I'm honest with myself about it. I'd be terribly grumpy, impatient and not too fun to be around if I didn't have a chance to be creative in my work, earn a living at it, and have a chance to interact with people (adults) with a similar nature as mine. Why do some other moms feel they have  to judge me for that?

I say, whatever works best for every individual mom is the right choice. My situation might not be right for other moms, and so I would never try to convince them that it was the only way to do it. Similarly, the stay-at-home situation isn't right for me, and I don't want other moms making me feel as though I'm putting my own needs in front of my children's. Why can't we all just agree that we're all different people, and we all live different lives, and we all have a right to do whatever is best for us?

I'm tired of the Mommy Wars.

So Many Great Causes Out There

There are so many great causes out there. I find myself more and more wanting to volunteer for an organization with a big heart and a powerful mission, and I'm finding that the choices are endless.

At the Hendricks County Fair in July, I talked for a while with someone from Sheltering Wings, a shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic abuse. I wanted to volunteer right then. I have always had a heart for people in that situation. I can only imagine the hopelessness one must feel and then the incredible amount of strength and bravery it would take to actually leave the situation. My grandmother ran from an abusive husband for many years, trying desperately to keep my father and uncle safe while holding down a job and secretly keeping in touch with her family. It's stories like hers that are all too common in today's world. I want to do something to help.

I also was recently introduced to Kiwanis (thanks, PJ!) and had an opportunity to speak in front of the Danville chapter members last week. I had been familiar with the Kiwanis name but have never really understood what it is that the group did. (The possibilities for new communications are endless!) I found out that it's all about the kids for Kiwanis. They reach out to the young children in each chapter's community and identify ways they can help. It's another group I would love to join.

And then there are others -- my son's kindergarten classroom, the Children's Bureau, United Way, Special Olympics and so many more -- that really pull at me. I want to do so much.

And yet, right now, I do nothing. There's really no excuse that's good enough to keep me from doing something. I should be doing something. I want to do something. Yet I struggle to find the time to get my work done, to be active in my weekly networking group, to keep in touch with my clients, to go to my son's soccer games, to take care of my kids and to carve out a little bit of time for me. I work part-time (well, I'm supposed to be working part-time), and now is as good a time as any to do something, right?

So, maybe writing this blog entry will be enough to get me going. Putting something down on paper (or  publishing it for anyone to see on the Web in this case) is generally a pretty powerful motivator for me. I need to start with one group and see how much I can help, how much time I can afford to give without losing my sanity. And I probably need to figure out what I can give up in order to make it happen.

That's going to be the hard part: giving something up. I'm not good at that. I want to work. I want to play. I want to spend lots and lots of time with my kids, who are growing up at light speed right before my eyes. I want to have time for date nights with my husband. I want to volunteer. I want to do it all. Why do I do that to myself?

To Network, or Not to Network?

One of the hardest parts about freelancing for me is not having a staff. While there are several benefits to working alone and being my own boss (I don't miss the office politics drama, for example), I admit that spending all day, day after day, with my lazy Labrador retriever (gotta love her, though) and my two kitties gets a little lonely sometimes.

Thankfully, someone introduced me to a fantastic networking group early on, which I promptly joined, and I have been fortunate for the last six months to be a part of a group of about 25 professional adults whom I see on a weekly basis. Granted, our meetings are early (7 a.m.) every Thursday, and it's sometimes difficult to drag myself out of bed, especially when it's still dark outside, to go greet the day with a meeting. But these people are essentially my new staff. They understand what I do, know the frustrations of having a small business and help me celebrate my successes.

While the main purpose of this group (BNI - Business Network International) is to get to know each other well enough that we're comfortable referring business to each other, for me, it's equally important to have the camaraderie and friendship of people who live and work near me and understand my business.

So here's my dilemma.

I have been very blessed in that there has been no shortage of work coming my way in the last few months. I am extremely thankful for that, and I hate that I risk appearing as though I'm complaining when I talk about it. That is not my intention at all.

But I started this business in an effort to balance my work life and my personal life. I was tired of working upwards of 50 hours a week, sometimes 7 days a week, even though I loved my former job. I started freelancing with the intention of working 24-30 hours per week, max. I now reach - and exceed - that max on a regular basis.

I have a passion for the work I do and could never give it up. But I'm passionate about my family as well. Now, with an awesome workload, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I add another working day and give up one of my two workweek days at home with my kids? Or do I start saying no to work?

The minute I start saying no to work is the minute my business starts to dwindle. These clients might not ever come back, if they don't think I can meet their needs. Plus, I want the work. I am serious about making this business last for the long haul, and to do so, I need to build my client list. If I just look at that side, it's clear that I should add a working day and give up a day at home with my kids.

But my kids and my family are the reason for me starting this business. I desperately want a healthy balance between work and family in my life. It's extremely important to me. So giving up a day with them seems like a step backward for me...a step in the direction toward the life I hated, spending countless hours at work and only a handful of hours at home.

Adding to the dilemma, my beloved networking group and my "staff" take up a lot of my time - sometimes as many as four hours or more a week. (Keep in mind that's about 1/6th of my entire work week, working part-time.) While the dollar amount of work coming my way as a result of that group is nothing compared to the value of the amount of hours I have spent on it (assuming I could have been using those hours as "billable" time had I spent it on project work instead of networking), being a part of the team is a fantastic thing. I love the people in my group and have some emotional attachment to the group as well as a logical attachment. But every week, we ask for referrals, and every week I run a "risk" of actually getting more work. It's a double-edged sword. I love getting work. I need the work. And yet it's putting me into a tough spot...forcing me to once again have to make a tough decision on whether to work more than enjoy my personal life.

So, I'm asking for suggestions. Does anyone have any great advice they'd be willing to share?

Freelancing Myths

I have been freelancing only eight months or so now, and yet I seem to continually run into a handful of myths that people assume about me as a freelancer. Considering a freelancing career? Here are my two cents.

Myth: You can work whenever you want to and take off whenever you want to. Well, I wish this were true, but no such luck. Because the majority of the working world works somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday, a freelancer had better be available during those times -- or at least as often as possible. Try getting a work-related meeting with someone at 7 p.m. on a Friday night. It's not going to happen. So, yes, I still get up in the morning at 6 a.m. and work from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. three days a week. The other four days? Well, you'll catch me working during my kids' nap times, after their bed time of 8 p.m. and possibly early in the morning.

Myth: You can work in your pajamas. Well, there's probably one day every couple of weeks when that might be true (if I'm lucky enough to have a day with no meetings whatsoever), but I have yet to spend a whole day in my jammies while I'm working. It's true...you're just not as productive in your jammies as if you're showered, dressed, made up and ready to work. At least I'm not. Plus, I have to take my kiddos to day care, and you won't catch me going anywhere in public without a shower, clean clothes and a little make-up.

Myth: You can determine how busy you want to be. Ha! I was really hoping this would be the case when I launched this business, but deadlines are deadlines -- and they're generally not set by you, but your client. So if you really want the business, you take the work, accept the deadline and pray that there won't be any deadlines that overlap...but then you accept the fact that there always will be. Smile, be thankful for the work, and move on.

Myth: You can take care of all of your errands, doctor appointments and shopping during the work day when you have your kids in day care and your husband's at work. Well, then when will I be working? Yes, I could do that, but the "billable hour" is a very positive motivator to stay home and keep on crackin'.

Myth: You can take whatever projects you want and say no whenever you want. Well, I suppose I could, but I wouldn't be working! You have to take what comes your way -- particularly in the early months and years of your business -- otherwise, you'll lose clients before you have them.

So, as you can see, I'm not sitting at home in my PJs and only working from 1 to 4 p.m. I think I was a bit naive about some of this when I jumped in with both feet, too. But I'm happy to be working, thankful for the work and hopeful that it keeps on coming...even if it means the deadlines overlap and I am up until 3 a.m. getting the work done.   

Don't be fooled, though. There are plenty of benefits to freelancing, too. Maybe I'll outline those in another post!

I've finally done it!

Well, folks, here I am. I have finally entered the wonderful world of bloggers, and I am very excited! I have high hopes for my blog, and we'll see how they pan out.

So who the heck am I? I am Corie, a freelance communicator based in Danville, Indiana, a small town with a big heart and open arms. It's a wonderful place to be.

I am also the wife of Chad and the mother of two (G & E)..three of the most important people in my life. They're the reason I do what I do. It's all about passion for me -- passion for my career (I love what I do) and passion for my family (I love them, too!). I'm working every day to find the perfect balance between the two. Perhaps I'll flush out my thoughts about that struggle...plus those of the crazy world of public relations and communications...as I delve into the blogosphere.

If you know of any great blogs out there, please, by all means, let me know!